a few random thoughts have been tossling around my head lately.  not sure where they are leading me but thought i'd get them out, in order to help the process.  total dump.

here's the first one.

this past week, my brother-in-law's dad died of complications after open heart surgery.  prayer.
my cousin david is in a hospital in seattle.  he had two anyurisms burst in the back of his brain.  apparently surgery went well.  he came out of surgery ok and is resting.  prayer.
my dad has decided to quit smoking after 50 years of cigarettes, pipes and cigars.  after another stint in the hospital (last month) with pneumonia.  he was touch and go for awhile and the doctors weren't sure if he would make it.  well, he made it and is now attempting to quit smoking.  prayer.
i receive, on average, 5-7 text messages a day from friends asking for prayer -- whether it's for their illness, someone's having a baby or they are having some sort of crisis.  prayer.
i also receive instant messages and emails of the same light.  prayer.

i am not burdened by this.  what i am getting at is, i beg God for things all the time. 

my prayers have been like this lately:
"so....how's it goin?  could you please take care of......and heal.....and help......and move in.......and.......thanks for listening and hearing me.  amen."

crisis prayers.  i'm a beggar.

i have been feeling the weight of circumstances lately.  and i'm wondering if it is partly because i am just asking for things rather than giving them to God to take care of -- he is, after all the author and perfector, right?  also, i'm wondering why, when i desire something so intensely -- whatever it is -- and ask God for help or whatever, my thankfulness to him (in prayer) is not as intense as the asking was.  i know i just ended a sentence with was, sue me.

what if my thankfulness was more than "oh thank you!"  (wiping brow, bullets no longer sweating)  what if i was as intensely thankful for things (anything) as i am prayerful???  because i AM thankful.  but why don't i express it as such?  OR why don't i express it as much?  and if i am not expressing intense gratitude does God feel like he's getting the shaft from me?

all i'm saying is, if i pray for something day in and day out because of deep need/desire.  why am i not thankful in that manner--thanking God day in and day out?  OR, do i need to be?

i don't know.  just a thought.  i am going to attempt to be as intensely thankful as i am prayerful and see what happens.  i just re-read what i wrote and i sound like a fucking lunatic.  whatever.  my blog.

second thought

i've been very emotional about jesus lately.  i am probably one of the most irreverent people i know, but i do have a deep love for jesus.  a couple weeks ago we were at my parents' house with my entire immediate family and my mom was praying before dinner.  i heard snickering.  i looked up to see my brother mocking my mom.  granted, she did say, "thank you for your son, jesus.  because jesus truly is the reason for the season."  normally, i too would have snickered at this.  i see this statement on bumper stickers and lapel pins and christmas sweaters and billboards and i roll my eyes and think, "poor jesus.  your father gave humans the gift or rhyme."  but, and i'm not sure if it's because it was coming from my mom's mouth -- by the way, my mom is someone who has faith with hurricane force and loves her jesus. she isn't fake or weird about it.  she just loves jesus.  i respect my mom.  i respect her faith and wish mine was more like hers.  when she said "jesus truly is the reason for the season." i didn't roll my eyes or have a weird twitch in my gut...i felt what she was saying.  and when i saw my brother mocking her i was so deeply offended.  i'm not sure if it was because he was mocking my mom - who i have such great respect and love for or if it was because he was mocking my jesus.  MY jesus.  my reason.  maybe it was a combo of both.

yesterday at church, angie and todd talked about the hill that is hard to run up, but if you go around to avoid the hill, it's a 4 mile trek around it, so you might as well face the hill, pace yourself, slow down/stop when necessary.  angie had created a tree out of cardboard a few months ago.  she brings it out every once in a while when she's preaching.  the first time, we all wrote things that we are hurt by on the leaves.  she sewed the leaves on the tree.  the second time we did another thing with the leaves.  this time, we wrote what we are going to do about our hurt -- what our hill is and what our plan is to climb and not quit, as "new growth" on the tree.

my biggest "shadow" is being unwanted.  i always have a worry, deep down inside that i am unwanted.  where ever i am.  whatever social circumstance i am in whether it be in my own home with friends or at work or where ever.  and most of the time, it has nothing to do with other people's actions.  it's my shit.  so i wrote on the "new growth" piece of cardboard that i would begin to re-train my head to say "you are wanted." each time i am in that type of situation.  easier said than done.  a friend invited me to a party last night and i didn't go because i thought there may be people there that don't want me around add to that the icy streets and voila, a night in.  pathetic.

i have begun a yearly process of closing down.  almost hibernation, if you will, from friends because i get nervous they won't want me anymore.  disposable friend.  i feel like a disposable camera.  fun for awhile then once the film gets developed....toss.

the thing is, i don't ever feel not wanted when it comes to Jesus and i have become really emotional about him.

weird heart.

third thing

i'm actually beginning to love christmas.  a much hated holiday for me, most of the time -- too stressful.  too much pressure.  too much.

i think having geoff helps with this.  he loves christmas.  and, if you've ever met geoff...it's hard to hate anything when he's around.  gold.

i think part of it is also this jesus thing.  i have all these projects and things to accomplish for christmas.  and i feel it.  the pressure of it all.  but the jesus thing.  being emotional about jesus has turned christmas around a bit for me.  not to say that the pressure of parties/presents/hustle&bustle isn't there, it is....but the weird change in me...this emotional jesus shit is fixing the anxiety of it.  it's fixing the crappy christmases of past...or at least not allowing them to own my present or my future.  they've had enough of me...they're not getting anymore.

fourth

all of this sounds very bipolar.

Leaves were falling, just like embers,
In colors red and gold, they set us on fire
Burning just like moonbeams in our eyes.

Somebody said they saw me, swinging the world by the tail
Bouncing over a white cloud, killing the blues.

i keep listening to this song over and over again.  it's fall.  i love fall.  the leaves are truly on fire against the sky and the air is the kind of crisp that reminds you you're alive.  it's jacket weather.  not quite coat weather.  jacket.  and maybe a light scarf.  hot tea or wine on the front porch with the giant old tree reaching out, lending cover to us.

someone once asked me why fall was my favorite season, so i described the reminder of things changing, the colors, the brisk cool air, rosey cheeks from the bite.  they said it was weird anyone could possibly love fall.  everything dies in the fall.  it's gray.  depressing.  maybe that's part of why i like it.  i think i befriend depression every once in awhile and in an incredibly sadistic way, i like it.  i didn't mean to accept this dance.  i don't think i was paying much attention.  i just grabbed the extended hand and we embraced.  i don't dance for long with this partner, i become too self conscious and tired.

on the other hand, i do love the electricity that comes from the changing seasons.  i think i feel more in the fall.  that's weird.  fall and i became friends when i discovered brightly colored umbrellas and mud puddles and fireplaces and cocoa.  we've become great friends, fall and i.  i still appreciate the umbrellas and mud puddles and fireplaces and even cocoa but i've discovered the smell of fresh rain, baked apples in the oven and the feeling of an arm linking in with mine...instant warmth.  books and music by the fireplace have become friends as well.  all one happy little community.  no facebook.  no myspace.  the have tos and run tos don't seem as important.  spiders work their web and set up shop in the corners of my porch.  and raindrops make small splat noises on my painted toes.  wave at the neighbor, sitting across the street facing me.  he's smoking.  dogs being walked by owners clad in jackets and puddle jumper boots.  wine in hand.  geoff beside me.  this is peace.  this is fall.