Tuesday, 19 August 2008

• carmine

  we are going through a journaling class right now.  6 people, 4 women, 2 men.  it's funny, because it forces you to be really vulnerable and not only just vulnerable, but in front of other people.  it's weird because just the concept of the whole thing touches on so MANY things for me.  trusting women, being one of them.  i don't really trust many women.  i trust my sister, amy, my friends april and donna and that's about it.  i guess three is actually pretty huge.

  women can be really cruel.  gossip.  judgement.  blabbing.  and having sex with your husband.  that pretty much sums it up for me.  three friends, two waitresses and a whole host of co-workers.  i'm not saying it to dig at the ex.  i'm just saying, based on actual events in my life, i have come to not trust women.

  this, yes, is not fair to the general public of women.  it is something i am working through.  but, seriously, why are women so mean to each other?  i'm not just talking about sleeping with someone's husband.  i'm talking about trash talking, gossip, judging, general eye rolling and untrustworthiness....i don't get it.  i hate it.  i'm working through it.  i still refuse to go to women's group -- mainly because i don't want to live life at church 24/7 and with a husband as a pastor, it's difficult enough to set that tone, but also because i have no desire.

  another thing that has come up, which is really weird that it would bubble up and surface -- i seriously had not thought about this for YEARS....it has stuck with me and i can not shake for some reason.  to most of you, you will probably think it's retarded to be stuck on this or have it bother me so badly.  and out of all the things that have happened in my life, it's weird to me that this is the one that's really buggin.

  during my previous marriage, i had wanted animals and was met with much resistance.  i will say, most large dogs terrify me, but what i wanted was a fun puppy to raise or a kitten or whatever.  what i really wanted was a fuzzy black kitten and i wanted to name him carmine ragusa.  yes, from "laverne and shirley".  again, much resistance was met.  my oldest sister and her family got me such a cat for christmas one year.  they also purchased all the things needed to raise a cat -- litter box, kitty litter, food, collar, etc.  they made sure the kitten had all its necessary shots, etc.  and it was CUTE!!!  i loved that kitten and was so excited.  my husband was less than thrilled, to say the least.  i promised i would take care of carmine and everything would be fine.  three days later i came home from work to find carmine missing.  as a matter of fact, all of carmine's things were missing.  "hey, where's carmine and his stuff?"  "i gave him away.  i told you i didn't want a fucking cat."  "what!?!  why didn't you talk to me first!?!  we could have seen if someone in my family could have taken him or something...."  "someone at work wanted him.  it's no big deal. it's just a cat.  get over it." 

  i found out later that carmine went to a girlfriend.

  awesome.

  i'm not even sure why this has stuck with me over the past two weeks, but it has....weird.   i am dealing.  moving through the mud to find clarity and more healing. 

  not sure why i wrote this all.  good times.

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