a few random thoughts have been tossling around my head lately.  not sure where they are leading me but thought i'd get them out, in order to help the process.  total dump.

here's the first one.

this past week, my brother-in-law's dad died of complications after open heart surgery.  prayer.
my cousin david is in a hospital in seattle.  he had two anyurisms burst in the back of his brain.  apparently surgery went well.  he came out of surgery ok and is resting.  prayer.
my dad has decided to quit smoking after 50 years of cigarettes, pipes and cigars.  after another stint in the hospital (last month) with pneumonia.  he was touch and go for awhile and the doctors weren't sure if he would make it.  well, he made it and is now attempting to quit smoking.  prayer.
i receive, on average, 5-7 text messages a day from friends asking for prayer -- whether it's for their illness, someone's having a baby or they are having some sort of crisis.  prayer.
i also receive instant messages and emails of the same light.  prayer.

i am not burdened by this.  what i am getting at is, i beg God for things all the time. 

my prayers have been like this lately:
"so....how's it goin?  could you please take care of......and heal.....and help......and move in.......and.......thanks for listening and hearing me.  amen."

crisis prayers.  i'm a beggar.

i have been feeling the weight of circumstances lately.  and i'm wondering if it is partly because i am just asking for things rather than giving them to God to take care of -- he is, after all the author and perfector, right?  also, i'm wondering why, when i desire something so intensely -- whatever it is -- and ask God for help or whatever, my thankfulness to him (in prayer) is not as intense as the asking was.  i know i just ended a sentence with was, sue me.

what if my thankfulness was more than "oh thank you!"  (wiping brow, bullets no longer sweating)  what if i was as intensely thankful for things (anything) as i am prayerful???  because i AM thankful.  but why don't i express it as such?  OR why don't i express it as much?  and if i am not expressing intense gratitude does God feel like he's getting the shaft from me?

all i'm saying is, if i pray for something day in and day out because of deep need/desire.  why am i not thankful in that manner--thanking God day in and day out?  OR, do i need to be?

i don't know.  just a thought.  i am going to attempt to be as intensely thankful as i am prayerful and see what happens.  i just re-read what i wrote and i sound like a fucking lunatic.  whatever.  my blog.

second thought

i've been very emotional about jesus lately.  i am probably one of the most irreverent people i know, but i do have a deep love for jesus.  a couple weeks ago we were at my parents' house with my entire immediate family and my mom was praying before dinner.  i heard snickering.  i looked up to see my brother mocking my mom.  granted, she did say, "thank you for your son, jesus.  because jesus truly is the reason for the season."  normally, i too would have snickered at this.  i see this statement on bumper stickers and lapel pins and christmas sweaters and billboards and i roll my eyes and think, "poor jesus.  your father gave humans the gift or rhyme."  but, and i'm not sure if it's because it was coming from my mom's mouth -- by the way, my mom is someone who has faith with hurricane force and loves her jesus. she isn't fake or weird about it.  she just loves jesus.  i respect my mom.  i respect her faith and wish mine was more like hers.  when she said "jesus truly is the reason for the season." i didn't roll my eyes or have a weird twitch in my gut...i felt what she was saying.  and when i saw my brother mocking her i was so deeply offended.  i'm not sure if it was because he was mocking my mom - who i have such great respect and love for or if it was because he was mocking my jesus.  MY jesus.  my reason.  maybe it was a combo of both.

yesterday at church, angie and todd talked about the hill that is hard to run up, but if you go around to avoid the hill, it's a 4 mile trek around it, so you might as well face the hill, pace yourself, slow down/stop when necessary.  angie had created a tree out of cardboard a few months ago.  she brings it out every once in a while when she's preaching.  the first time, we all wrote things that we are hurt by on the leaves.  she sewed the leaves on the tree.  the second time we did another thing with the leaves.  this time, we wrote what we are going to do about our hurt -- what our hill is and what our plan is to climb and not quit, as "new growth" on the tree.

my biggest "shadow" is being unwanted.  i always have a worry, deep down inside that i am unwanted.  where ever i am.  whatever social circumstance i am in whether it be in my own home with friends or at work or where ever.  and most of the time, it has nothing to do with other people's actions.  it's my shit.  so i wrote on the "new growth" piece of cardboard that i would begin to re-train my head to say "you are wanted." each time i am in that type of situation.  easier said than done.  a friend invited me to a party last night and i didn't go because i thought there may be people there that don't want me around add to that the icy streets and voila, a night in.  pathetic.

i have begun a yearly process of closing down.  almost hibernation, if you will, from friends because i get nervous they won't want me anymore.  disposable friend.  i feel like a disposable camera.  fun for awhile then once the film gets developed....toss.

the thing is, i don't ever feel not wanted when it comes to Jesus and i have become really emotional about him.

weird heart.

third thing

i'm actually beginning to love christmas.  a much hated holiday for me, most of the time -- too stressful.  too much pressure.  too much.

i think having geoff helps with this.  he loves christmas.  and, if you've ever met geoff...it's hard to hate anything when he's around.  gold.

i think part of it is also this jesus thing.  i have all these projects and things to accomplish for christmas.  and i feel it.  the pressure of it all.  but the jesus thing.  being emotional about jesus has turned christmas around a bit for me.  not to say that the pressure of parties/presents/hustle&bustle isn't there, it is....but the weird change in me...this emotional jesus shit is fixing the anxiety of it.  it's fixing the crappy christmases of past...or at least not allowing them to own my present or my future.  they've had enough of me...they're not getting anymore.

fourth

all of this sounds very bipolar.

Leaves were falling, just like embers,
In colors red and gold, they set us on fire
Burning just like moonbeams in our eyes.

Somebody said they saw me, swinging the world by the tail
Bouncing over a white cloud, killing the blues.

i keep listening to this song over and over again.  it's fall.  i love fall.  the leaves are truly on fire against the sky and the air is the kind of crisp that reminds you you're alive.  it's jacket weather.  not quite coat weather.  jacket.  and maybe a light scarf.  hot tea or wine on the front porch with the giant old tree reaching out, lending cover to us.

someone once asked me why fall was my favorite season, so i described the reminder of things changing, the colors, the brisk cool air, rosey cheeks from the bite.  they said it was weird anyone could possibly love fall.  everything dies in the fall.  it's gray.  depressing.  maybe that's part of why i like it.  i think i befriend depression every once in awhile and in an incredibly sadistic way, i like it.  i didn't mean to accept this dance.  i don't think i was paying much attention.  i just grabbed the extended hand and we embraced.  i don't dance for long with this partner, i become too self conscious and tired.

on the other hand, i do love the electricity that comes from the changing seasons.  i think i feel more in the fall.  that's weird.  fall and i became friends when i discovered brightly colored umbrellas and mud puddles and fireplaces and cocoa.  we've become great friends, fall and i.  i still appreciate the umbrellas and mud puddles and fireplaces and even cocoa but i've discovered the smell of fresh rain, baked apples in the oven and the feeling of an arm linking in with mine...instant warmth.  books and music by the fireplace have become friends as well.  all one happy little community.  no facebook.  no myspace.  the have tos and run tos don't seem as important.  spiders work their web and set up shop in the corners of my porch.  and raindrops make small splat noises on my painted toes.  wave at the neighbor, sitting across the street facing me.  he's smoking.  dogs being walked by owners clad in jackets and puddle jumper boots.  wine in hand.  geoff beside me.  this is peace.  this is fall.

so, i am not normally someone who will read a book because someone tells me i "just have to" -- same with movies.  however, i did end up reading "the shack" by william p. young.  partially so i could know what the hell everyone i knew was talking about, partially because he's from the nw and partially because i was in fact, interested....read it.

i'm not going to give a review of the book.  you can come to your own conclusions about it if you want.

i did, however, get a chance to interview william young, or paul, as his friends call him, a week ago at church.  yes, our little tiny church of about 80 people, was one of the stops on paul's interview circuit.  why?  because my friend, pam, snagged him before he became famous and because he is super humble and someone who holds to his word.

i found paul to be incredibly humble.  really hilarious.  heart of gold.

if you would like to see my interview with paul:

http://pyshaq.blogspot.com/

total shack attack.

geoff and i spoke at church this sunday...the topic?  marriage.

here's what we said.

Video

Geoff:  Marriage – That's right…we're talking about marriage.  We've been married for two and a half years, so that definitely makes us the authority figures on marriage?!?

Crystal:  Let me tell you how we met…Geoff and I met at bar. That's right, PASTOR Geoff and I met at a BAR.  Doug Fir to be exact…because that's where the beautiful people hang out...oh, wait, it was Drew Grow's birthday party.  I spotted him at the end of the table and thought, "Who's that cute guy?  I'm gonna sit by him…." I introduced myself and he introduced himself and after a few blackberry cosmopolitans and encouragement from my dear friend, Gwyneth, I invited him to my birthday party two nights later….thinking he won't show up.  Well, he did…

G:  There were so many opportunities where we could have met before Drew's birthday.  Crystal was really good friends with Drew, Jenn, and even knew Ken and Deborah…and hung with them on a regular basis.  She even actually came to The Bridge several times.   It's weird, really weird, that we had never met until that night but it was also very weird that two weeks previous, I had been talking to God about the type of person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life and made a list.  I had no idea that list would walk in and sit by me and give me a high five and say, "Well, welcome to the club!"

C:  The club I was speakin of was The Divorced Person's Club...he had just told me he had gone through a divorce, and well, I had gone through one myself a couple years previous.  All that to say, do not give up on your heart or the hearts of other people.  The fact that we had never bumped into each other until that night was absolutely God and His plan.   Jeremiah 29:11 "I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for."   So, don't give up, but also don't settle.  You deserve your list.

So, Geoff and I have been married for 2 ½ years, and before that, we were married so, we have about 13 years of marriage accumulatively under our belts…..so take that.

G:  Which means we know what does/doesn't work:

C:  So...What doesn't work:
G:  Having a wife who seeks relationships with other men.
C:  Having a husband who makes you weigh in every week because he thinks you're a fat ass.
G:  Marrying someone significantly younger and less mature than you, in hopes to "save" her.
C:  Sitting on the counseling couch with your husband and having him say, "Well, look at her, would you want to be married to that!?!  She's repulsive."  Then have him pick you apart from head to tow...and then YOU having to pay the counselor.
G:  Telling your future wife your mom thinks she's immature.
C:  Having a husband who gives your new cat to his girlfriend as a gift.

C:  If you didn't get a chance to write all of these down, we are going to submit them to "Crumbs" (The Bridge's Writer's Group zine)  for your reference.  It may be over 200 words, but…helpful! (just kidding)

G:  Ephesians 5: 22-24  Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

 25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk,( By the way, men, take note…Jesus is interested in clothes…hello!  White silk.) radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.

What does that mean to you? (open floor discussion)

C:  To me, that means WE (collectively) aren't a joke to Christ.  Spiritually, that means to me, that Christ makes us whole.  He speaks well of us in public.  He brings the best out in us.  He goes all out for us.  He WENT all out for us.  As a female, that makes me feel secure, adored, wanted, safe, and desirable, empowered to trust, empowered in general and loved.  Christ isn't around the corner going "She is driving me nuts…I can't believe she did this and this.  And have you seen her ass lately?  She could use some time on the treadmill.  She has the lamest ideas.  She doesn't deserve shit from me…."  EVERYTHING HE SAYS AND DOES IS DESIGNED TO BRING OUT THE BEST OF HER. 

A few months ago, Geoff and I met with an old friend of mine.  This was the first time Geoff had met this person.  We were sitting having coffee when my friend asks Geoff, "So, how long have you guys been married?"  Geoff responded with, "Almost two years!"  The guy then jokingly asked, "How many time since then have you reqretted that decision?"  Geoff didn't laugh.  The friend said, "Uh, that was a joke."  Geoff didn't laugh, meanwhile I laughed nervously thinking, "Oh shit…"  "Dude, it was a joke."  Geoff leaned toward the table and said, "Let's get something straight here.  Crystal, is not a joke.  My marriage to her, is not a joke.  So, you can joke about anything else, you just can't joke about her."  Boom.  UNCOMFORTABLE!!  BUT, the result for me was knowing– I'm not a joke to Geoff.  He didn't laugh and then cover his mouth thinking, "Oh crap, I'm going to catch shit for this later."  He just didn't laugh.  It opened my eyes to how he feels about me and made me feel secure, adored, wanted, safe, and desirable, empowered to trust, etc.  It made me trust him.  EVERYTHING HE SAYS AND DOES IS DESIGNED TO BRING OUT THE BEST OF HER

My parents have been married for 42 years.  I remember growing up and the one thing that would instantly get my dad's blood boiling and get us in huge trouble is if we were disrespectful to my mom – my mom wasn't and still isn't a joke to my dad.   He has huge respect for her.  I also remember sneaking upstairs to watch TV behind the recliner and seeing my mom and dad sitting on the couch, my dad rubbing my mom's feet….A LOVE MARKED BY GIVING, NOT GETTING.  Not to say my dad didn't receive love back from my mom, he just loved her and so he did small gestures like that to show her he loved her.  My mom still makes him a sack lunch for work every day…A LOVE MARKED BY GIVING, NOT GETTING.  And because they both do that, they both get. 

G:  Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.  That's a really hard thing to do.  And, marriage is really hard….Case in point.  Crystal and I got a hankering to sing some Karaoke. Somehow I love breaking out Neil Diamond classics. Don't Judge me. Well… at the table next to us were a bunch of dancer types… let's just leave it at that. One in particular was Sadie. Sadie was about 6.1 with a dancer type of body that you could see because she had a stretchy close fitting dress on that she kept pulling up. Yeah needless to say… Sadie had some issues (C:  and little underwear.)

Sometimes in Karaoke you just have to dance. And when Hall and Oats "Maneater" comes on, that's one of those times. So Crystal and I get up to get our 80's groove on.  It was apparent that Sadie needed to dance too. And she spun into the group of dancers doing odd dancer type lunges. It all went so fast. The singer hit the chorus "Oh here she comes" and then I noticed Sadie lunging at me. She was doing an alligator type move as she got closer. Saying "I'm a man eater." This would be somewhat dismissible if she hadn't backed me up against the window and put her leg on my shoulder.   Now, I have never had to slap someone in the solar plexus before… repeatedly…but, I did, with Sadie.

After shoving her off of me, Crystal stepped in: "You're done." Sadie said "what?"
Crystal said "that is my husband. You're done" Sadie told her "I just put my leg on him"
Crystal brought it to a close "I will put my fists on you if you try that again."

It took me about an hour to get out of my dance floor legging funk. When I snapped out of it, I was astounded at the wisdom of Hall and Oats reminding me to "watch out boy or she'll chew me up." As I looked across the table and I saw my wife and I was very happy to be married. I was happy that in midst of an odd scuffle in which a strange woman put her leg on my shoulder (C:  while not wearing much underwear)… My wife had my back. My partner was ready to rumble for me.   Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.  This is the way my wife showed this to me.  This was the way Crystal respected me.

Marriage can be placed on a hum drum shelf. People can simply dismiss it as "this is what you are supposed to do." But there are those that see their marriage as not hum drum at all. The late Morrie Schwartz said this "there are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage: If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike. And the biggest one of those values… is your belief in the importance of your marriage." You need to be ready to rumble for their partner.

C:  Not only do we need to be ready to do fist to cuffs for our spouses, or even our friends…Ephesians talks about how Christ loves the church – that's all of us.  That's married people, that's single people, children, the widows, the poor.   We need to speak well of each other in public.  We need to have grace for one another.  Give and ask forgiveness, readily.  We're all really doing ourselves a favor because we are one body in Christ.  We need to stop screwing around on each other and commit and love each other and find importance in that.

1 Corinthians 13 gives us a really incredible picture of that.

Love is Patient… We can give each other time and space to develop at our own pace.
Love is kind… We can give each other words, thoughts and actions that are tender.
Love does not envy… we can be glad for one another's' successes.
Love does not boast… we can choose to never say, "I told you so."
Love is not proud… but we can be proud of one another.
Love is not rude… we can choose to not crash into each others' lives with advice not asked for.
Love is not self seeking… we can give a gift of laying aside our expectations of each other.
Love is not easily angered… we can know that this too will pass.
Love keeps no record of wrongs… we can let our pasts die and our tomorrows live.

G:  We can choose to not delight when bad things happen to each other and rejoice when good comes our way.
C:  We can always protect each other with our words.
G:  We can always trust God and each other to find the right path.
C:  We can always hope that goodness and mercy will follow us all the days of our lives.
G:  We can always persevere with one another.
C:  That kind of love will never fail us.

G:  Hearing these words from 1 Corinthians, we, as a church, can commit to each other and God and find importance in that.   We are going to do something together to signify that WE are not a joke and solidify our commitment to our relationship as a community in Christ.  Those that feel uncomfortable do not need to participate – there's freedom.  But I will ask a series of questions and those that wish to participate can respond at the end by saying, "I will."

Those that wish to participate, please stand.

Will you let your pasts die and your tomorrows live?
Will you always uphold each other with your words both publicly and privately?
Will you stand together in good times and in hard times?
Will you seek to understand and support each other?
Will you do your best to bring out the best in one another?
Will you withhold your wisdom and advice unless and until asked?
Will you love each other?

If you agree to do these things please declare that by saying. "I Will"

(I WILL!)

You may now kiss Christ's bride!  just kidding....

C:  The commitment to your personal marriage is not something to be taken lightly; you are one.  This commitment we have made today, this union, is not a joke, we are all one.   Love you guys. 

we are going through a journaling class right now.  6 people, 4 women, 2 men.  it's funny, because it forces you to be really vulnerable and not only just vulnerable, but in front of other people.  it's weird because just the concept of the whole thing touches on so MANY things for me.  trusting women, being one of them.  i don't really trust many women.  i trust my sister, amy, my friends april and donna and that's about it.  i guess three is actually pretty huge.

women can be really cruel.  gossip.  judgement.  blabbing.  and having sex with your husband.  that pretty much sums it up for me.  three friends, two waitresses and a whole host of co-workers.  i'm not saying it to dig at the ex.  i'm just saying, based on actual events in my life, i have come to not trust women.

this, yes, is not fair to the general public of women.  it is something i am working through.  but, seriously, why are women so mean to each other?  i'm not just talking about sleeping with someone's husband.  i'm talking about trash talking, gossip, judging, general eye rolling and untrustworthiness....i don't get it.  i hate it.  i'm working through it.  i still refuse to go to women's group -- mainly because i don't want to live life at church 24/7 and with a husband as a pastor, it's difficult enough to set that tone, but also because i have no desire.

another thing that has come up, which is really weird that it would bubble up and surface -- i seriously had not thought about this for YEARS....it has stuck with me and i can not shake for some reason.  to most of you, you will probably think it's retarded to be stuck on this or have it bother me so badly.  and out of all the things that have happened in my life, it's weird to me that this is the one that's really buggin.

during my previous marriage, i had wanted animals and was met with much resistance.  i will say, most large dogs terrify me, but what i wanted was a fun puppy to raise or a kitten or whatever.  what i really wanted was a fuzzy black kitten and i wanted to name him carmine ragusa.  yes, from "laverne and shirley".  again, much resistance was met.  my oldest sister and her family got me such a cat for christmas one year.  they also purchased all the things needed to raise a cat -- litter box, kitty litter, food, collar, etc.  they made sure the kitten had all its necessary shots, etc.  and it was CUTE!!!  i loved that kitten and was so excited.  my husband was less than thrilled, to say the least.  i promised i would take care of carmine and everything would be fine.  three days later i came home from work to find carmine missing.  as a matter of fact, all of carmine's things were missing.  "hey, where's carmine and his stuff?"  "i gave him away.  i told you i didn't want a fucking cat."  "what!?!  why didn't you talk to me first!?!  we could have seen if someone in my family could have taken him or something...."  "someone at work wanted him.  it's no big deal. it's just a cat.  get over it." 

i found out later that carmine went to a girlfriend.

awesome.

i'm not even sure why this has stuck with me over the past two weeks, but it has....weird.   i am dealing.  moving through the mud to find clarity and more healing. 

not sure why i wrote this all.  good times.